Why Me?

Why Me?  This is still a question I ask myself quite often, almost too often.  I've asked my oncologist from day one why me? Her response to me, there is no reason Laura why you got cancer, you didn't eat anything, you didn't do anything to get it.  This is the mystery of cancer, no one knows why people get it.  It's a horrible disease and I think I'm just starting to see how horrible it really is.  I have friends and family who are cancer survivors, I've spent a lot of time confiding in them and talking about my struggles.  My 2 friends who both are cancer survivors are the most positive people I know and a huge inspiration to me and when I'm having a rough time with things I turn to them.  One of them is my best friend who is a cancer survivor going on 9 years and another is a former coworker who also survived cancer and has been cancer free for 3 years.  It's not that I can't talk to other friends  or family about my struggles but sometimes talking to people who've been through something similar is easier.  Lots of people tell me .... You've survived the worse, the worst is behind you.  Yes I did survive my surgery and kicked that tumours butt, BUT I still have my struggles to deal with and will for the rest of my life probably.  For the rest of my life I will be stressed out, nervous and my anxiety will be through the roof for every checkup with my oncologist.  This does not get easier unfortunately  - Great!!! Speaking of appointments with my oncologist .... I have a checkup with her this Thursday...wish me luck because it's only Monday and I'm already nervous and anxious.  I think she will be happy to see me walking with crutches and happy about what progress I've made BUT it's the dreaded X-ray and those results that freak me out.  Wish me luck for Thursday please!!!!!  My other major struggle is getting around on these damn crutches .... I am soooo ready to throw these crutches out the window.  I have days where I get around fine with them and days where I get so frustrated.  I can't just get up and walk wherever, go wherever, I struggle with changing Alyssa, lifting her, getting dressed myself, getting a drink, hell even walking up the stairs.  My physiotherapist is currently working on walking properly with me.  Right now I swing my leg and hip hike to move my left leg.  Never do you think walking is gonna be difficult but I am extremely frustrated trying to retrain my brain to walk the proper way.  The easiest things in life are the most difficult for me.  My physiotherapist told me I probably have a few more months with crutches, so I guess I better start liking them because they aren't going anywhere anytime soon.  Everyone tells me I'm so strong considering everything I've been through ... I don't think I'm strong at all.  I hide a lot of what I'm feeling and then vent and let it all out when I meet with my social worker.  It's nothing against my family or friends but some people just can't relate to what I'm going through and have gone through.
My biggest and hardest struggle is not being able to be the mom I used to be to Alyssa.  I can't even take care of her without help.  I've lost some of my independence and who knows when it will come back.  I would love nothing more then to give my daughter a bath, lift her out of her crib and cuddle her when she is upset, put her to bed etc.  I just miss all those things and miss my life before cancer.  There are days where I say to myself that I wish I never had this surgery ..... But then I look at why I went through with it and why I will battle these struggles well I recover and I do it all for Alyssa.  It doesn't matter how crappy or hard my day is, I look at my babygirl and she makes everything better.  Her smile, her laugh and her kisses remind me everyday why I chose to fight this cancer and not let it beat me.